Some Things I Need To Let Out

This is a post that really is from the heart, something I feel I need to get off my chest, these are my real feelings and real things that happened, I’m not even writing this in Scrivener first, too professional, too planned.

My Chemical Romance, was a great band, they had, and still do have, a huge following, and though I am only one of millions, I want to share my story.

I remember the first time I heard I’m not okay, I was in my room watching music videos on T.V. (Yes this was when Much Music actually played music) and this song came on, it hit me in a weird way, I can’t really explain it, I felt like I figured something out about myself, like another door opened up.

From that day I always loved their music, it got me through the tough times, being bullied, literally getting beaten up by 10 people in middle school because I was “different”, because I wore black, died my hair, liked trip pants, got my lip pierced, I didn’t like getting beaten up obviously, but I liked being different, I liked getting weird looks when I walked down the street, I like knowing that I’m not like everybody else. I may have toned down the way I dress and look in the past few years, but the sentiment is the same, I NEVER want to be like everyone else.

When I was younger, and herd Gerard say in the beginning of his video say “I don’t wanna make it, I just wanna…” Somehow I totally understood it. I understood it on some weird level, to me, it translated as, I don’t wanna make it, I just wanna live, and I think that was the point of ending the sentence the way they did, for the fans to fill it in with their feelings, with what they want.

I had the words to I’m Not Okay, and Thank You For The Venom written beside my bed, I wish I could have taken that wall with me, great memories, and some not so great, but now that I’m twenty almost twenty one, all the bad seems to fade and are that are left are memories and me sitting in my room, happy, listening to MCR, sometimes crying, not necessarily because anything was wrong, but sometimes it just feels good to have a good cry. The best memories are of the bad times I went through, I went through them, came out the other side, and I’m a better and stronger person for it.

This band helped me get through some really tough points especially going through school, yeah I would have made it either way, but the music made things much easier, I always knew I could just go home and rock out and life would look better when I woke up. I always fought, I always tried, I always will.

I went through a lot of other tough times too, I got messed up with drugs, and a month after I got clean, they broke up. I was sad, a little more than sad, but I understood, nothing lasts forever, and a lot of people seem to forget they’re only human too. They have families to take care of, friends to see, maybe older relatives to take care of, who knows, imagine all the shit in your life, and ask yourself if you could doing all of it while on a tour around the world, not so easy. You get worn out, and I think they called it quits at the right time for them, why is it the right time? It’s the right time because they decided it was and that’s all that matters.

If Gerard ever does read this, there is one thing I want him to know, he helped me get through the lowest lows. Through bullets (literally) and flames, and though I didn’t get through it in a blaze of glory, the point is I got through it. The one thing I think I learned from them is never give up. I’m not sure what I’m aiming for yet, or what I am doing, but I know when I find out, I will fight for it.

What I write here isn’t all that I feel,

To all of MCR, I love you guys, I really hope your futures together, or apart are awesome, I don’t expect a reply to this or for you to even read it, but I would like to think maybe you glanced at it. You really helped a lot of people with your music, and I know you know that, you guys really deserve an award or something. Anyway’s I wish you all the best, take care.

From my heart,

Stacy Madl

Also, here is a poem I wrote about the break up, the original is on my deviant art at writingadream. It kind shows the stages I went through when MCR broke up, for me I was first angry, then sad, then I understood, and accepted it.

So this is it?
Was that your last hit?
You say its done but it can never die,
Why does that feel like a lie?
You were there when I cried,
When I thought I could die.
You were there by my side,
Holding my hand,
Along for the ride.
There for life,
Through my battles and fights.
The good and the bad,
The fire and flames.
I guess there’s just no one to blame.
You taught me a lot,
So much I forgot.
Guess it’s time to let go,
and get on with my show
You were there with the light
Your soul always shone bright.
Thank you for what you gave me,
You’ve never ceased to amaze me.
Maybe your right,
I feel it every time I fight.
Way down in me,
I still believe.
You can’t kill the black parade,
It’s more than just waving a flag.
It may be done but it can never die.
And now I know that’s not a lie.
It will always be in me,
I will never cease to believe.

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